Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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