A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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