About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
