My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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