There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
i think im in europe. pls send help
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
