maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
