I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Come share oat with me in your robe
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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