You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Ladies don't puke and tell
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
