Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
