Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
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