If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize