If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
