I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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