I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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