Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize
