My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
