I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Even my vagina gasped.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
