Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
