I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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