I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
