o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I am spending my child support on dildos
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
