shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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