i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
