Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
