Are we in a gay sports bar?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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