By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
