Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
