Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
