I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
