I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
