I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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