so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
