Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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