I'm lost and stupid without you.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
It's never too late to be topless.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
