Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
