I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize