I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
