Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
