think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
