Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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