There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
