all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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