youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
i out mim tonsoeep
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