I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
