grandma shit on top of the toilet
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
