Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Don't tell me you're on acid again
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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