here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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