I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I want to be your penis for a week.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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