I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
