he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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