ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
