What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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