I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Small penises have feelings too.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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