if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize