My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
A+ Viking dick
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
