people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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