He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
