Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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