Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
