I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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