Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Is Oprah even human
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
