We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
