Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
