I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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