Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
