I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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