the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
